A Study of Visible Public Posterior Exposure in Modern Society
Dr. Roy Jensen
Dr.Roy.Jensen@gmail.com
13 Dec 2009
Abstract
This paper discusses the author's observation that the incidents of public posterior exposure has risen sharply in the past few years. Several theories are explored that could explain the dramatic increase and some simple suggestions are offered for fixing the problem.
1. Introduction
Human history is full of examples of public posterior exposure (more commonly and decadently known as plumbers crack). The history of public posterior exposure (PPE) will be briefly explored and an exploration of the reasons for its recent rise will be discussed. The author hopes that this paper will help raise the understanding of this phenomena and several remedies will be offered.
2. Genesis
The first recorded example of PPE is shortly after the creation. According to the Biblical record, both Adam and Eve were naked[KJVG]. While one could argue that this exposure was not public because Adams exposure was only observed by his wife Eve, and Eve's exposure was only observed by her husband Adam, it is still the case that both exposures took place in a public space and were in fact observable by any who were present. The debate on whether this should be considered public exposure can be easily explained by an analogy. If a person decides to go streaking[STRK] through a city and no one observes him/her, has that person violated the law? The answer must clearly be a resounding yes! If we were to assume that because no one saw the act, and therefore, no law was broken, then any punishment of streaking would be unjust because the streaker's punishment would depend on the behavior of others who cannot be controlled by the streaker. It is the opinion of the author that both Adam's and Eve's exposures were public because they took place in a public setting. The fact that the public did not yet exist is notable but irrelevant.
3. Exodus
While PPE has surely existed throughout human history, the author has observed that the occurrence seemed to drop dramatically during the 1980's[1980]. This was the era of high-rise Jordache jeans and Bermuda shorts that were commonly worn with belts. Even during the 1990's when R&B styles promoted young men to wear their pants below their bottoms, the style also included the wearing of brightly colored boxer shorts that prevented the occurrence of PPE.
4. The Resurgence
The author has observed the resurgence of PPE in the past few years. There are several reasons why PPE could have become more common. The most likely reasons are:
1. As Americans get fatter their pants slip down.
2. Humans have mutated such that their behinds have migrated up higher on their backs.
3. Modern jeans styles no longer cover the entire derriere.
5. Fat Americans
As the human body accumulates fat, the shape of the body switches from an hourglass shape to a spherical shape. An hourglass shape is an ideal shape for holding up pants with a belt. The belt is tightened around the thinner waist or hips and the smaller circumference of the belt prevents the pants from slipping down.
A spherical shape is not ideal for holding up pants. If the belt is secured around the equator or lower, the jeans will only be held up via static friction. For large, heavy pants this is unlikely to adequately secure pants, especially when the wearer bends over or engages in other activities. A common solution to this problem is to situate the belt above the user's equator. However, above the equator belts can cause discomfort as the belt may cause blisters or chaffing as it rubs against the wearers chest.
While a spherical shape could certainly explain the increase in PPE, the author's experience indicates that PPE frequently occurs with individuals whose bodies more closely resemble an hourglass than a sphere.
6. Migrating Buttocks
Another possibility for the rise in PPE could be that exposure to fluoridated water, high-fructose corn syrup, the liberal elite media, cell phone radiation, or trans-fats have caused posterior mutations that have resulted in the human buttocks to be located higher on the human back. While it is likely that exposure to the above items will result in horrible mutations and deformations, the author has been exposed to large quantities of the above and has not noticed any measurable posterior migrations.
7. Denim Conserving Jeans
The third possibility for the rise in PPE is the increase in popularity of low-rise jeans. Low-rise jeans are the invention of tree-hugging liberals who are concerned about the potential extinction of the denimite species. Denimites are small beetle eating rodents that live in the Africa jungles; they are captured by local tribes who sell their skins to foreign companies The companies clean and stretch the skins which are eventually made into jeans. Acid washed jeans are made from denimite skins that are scrubbed vigorously while the washer listens to acid jazz[ACID]. Because low-rise jeans have been heavily promoted by the liberal Hollywood propaganda machine they have become very popular among young mothers who are fashion conscious and eager to follow the trends set by young rich celebrities. The author's observations indicate that the same young mother demographic is the group that is most likely to engage in PPE. The author therefore asserts that the rapid rise of PPE is caused primarily by the popularity of low-rise jeans.
8. In Defense of Labor
In light of the fact that PPE is now most frequently exhibited by young mothers, the author humbly suggests that the colloquialism of "plumbers crack" be retired and replaced with the more statistically accurate "young mothers crack." It is not fair to tarnish the reputations of hardworking laborers with a label that more apply applies to young women who have labored.
9. Potential Remedies
After fully exploring the source of the rise in PPE, the author proposed the following two solutions to a study group of young mothers that were prone to this problem.
1. Buy high-rise jeans.
The most obvious and simple solution is to stop buying low-rise jeans. When offering this advice to the study group some rejected it by parroting the following invalid arguments.
a. "But, low-rise jeans are sooo cute!!!!"
While low-rise jeans may be cute, your hairy backside is not. While the author acknowledges that fashion is important, the primary roles of clothing are to provide protection and a modest covering. These primary roles should not be compromised for the sake of the secondary role of fashion.
b. "You can't buy jeans that aren't low-rise, it's Levi's fault not mine!"
While it may be tempting to blame others for your problem(s) the author's experience has been that it is possible to buy jeans that prevent PPE. The author has only observed a single incident of PPE in his wife in more than ten years, and the author spends a lot of time with his wife, and a non-trival amount of that time is spent observing her posterior. The author, therefore, must conclude that it is possible to buy jeans that prevent PPE.
c. "Hey, jeans are deceptive, they look fine in the dressing room, but slip down during daily use."
It is true that even low-rise jeans may not exibit PPE while standing straight, most dressing rooms allow the occupant to test out jeans by bending over. The author has been told that most female dressing rooms have mirrors so it is possible for a customer to check for the potential of PPE before making a purchase.
2. Buy longer shirts.
Another solution to the rise in PPE is to simply wear longer shirts. If you wear a longer shirt then the harmful effects of low-rise jeans can be effectively mitigated. Some in our study group likewise rejected this sound advice with the following ridiculous statement.
a. "Long shirts make me look like my mother!"
While the author understands the universal female desire to not look like one's mother, the author suggests that PPE makes you look like your father, when he forgets to wear a belt.
10. How Husbands Can Help
While this problem can be solved alone, it is much easier to solve if husbands will join in the fight against PPE. Husbands have a vested interest in helping their wives fight PPE. While a husband may enjoy seeing his wife's exposed posterior, he may not be eager to share said posterior with all humanity. The following suggestions will help the caring husband as he assists his wife in fighting PPE.
1. Offer complements with warnings.
Telling your wife that she looks good is a wise practice for the caring husband. Telling your wife that she looks so good in her new jeans that she should never wear them outside of their bedroom shows love, concern and can prevent PPE.
2. Keep a handful of small pebbles in your pocket.
When you are out with your wife and she has a PPE experience, a carefully placed pebble cannot only serve to educate your wife that her posterior is exposed, it can also be unpleasant enough that she will eventually be forced to reconsider her clothing choices. The husband may also enjoy watching his wife do a public "shaking the pebble out of my pants" dance. The husband should, however, be aware of the relevance of the "turn about is fair play"[REVENGE] idiom.
11. Conclusion
While American society has seen a sharp rise in PPE in recent years, the author believes that PPE is a solvable problem. Much like the eradication of smallpox in the late 1970's[SPOX], saved countless generations from the physical scars of this horrendous disease, we can save our generation from the mental scars from the plague of PPE. May we stand tall in our fight against PPE, or at least wear proper pants when we stoop.
References
[KJVG]King James Translation of the Bible Genesis 2:25 "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
[STRK]Streaking http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/streaking
[1980]1980's http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1980s
[ACID]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acid_jazz
[REVENGE]http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/Turnabout+is+fair+play
[SPOX]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smallpox
Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
